Practice

Practice might not make me perfect, but it does make me last longer.

Toliet Paper

Thousand Words

Mavericks

Saving Animals

They tell you that if you want to save little fish you should cut the holes in plastic 6-pack rings so that they don't get stuck. I want to save a lot of little fish so I don't cut the rings, I just stretch them out so big fish get caught in them.

Haiku - Dude, We Have to Leave

Dude, we have to leave.

You’re having fun? I don’t care.

I just crapped my pants.

Haiku - Everybody Here

Everybody here
Can see that you are hiding
A boner down there

Internet

Don’t you hate it when you have an awesome idea and then a few weeks later you find out someone else had your idea? I thought up the internet before it existed, and then bam, there it was. Well, I didn’t really invent the internet, but I was getting tired of sneaking into my brother’s room to see porn.

Dreams

If real life was more like my dreams it would be so much more peaceful... that is, after I lead the tattered remains of mankind to a victory against our computer-robot oppressors.

Jesus

Sure, Jesus loved everyone back in his time, but he never met my neighbor Steve Tombasco.

Failure

I tried for days, but I couldn't think of a single time I couldn't accomplish something I set out to do.

Equality

If you women are serious about this whole equality thing, your going to have to give us men control over your vaginas 50% of the time. Or 50% of your vaginas all of the time.

Planet of the Humans

Confidence

The man in the mirror telling me to believe in myself intimidates me.

Foolhardy

My bad,
I ate your cheeseballs.

You shouldn't have left them out,
knowing that I was high.

Animals

I can talk to animals, I just can’t understand anything they say back. The same goes for women.

Enemies

I hope my enemies know who they are, because it's more challenging when they know I'm coming for them.

Last Words

I've already decided what my last words are going to be:

Avenge me.

Assumptions

When you assume, you get caught masturbating.

When in France

Haiku - It's Time to Party

It's time to party

Because just the other day

My testicles dropped

Women

I'm not saying that I would want to be a woman, but it would be interesting to see what it was like to cry.

Finish Your Beer

Genie

Haiku - My Belly Protests

My belly protests

As it spews yak up my throat

“No more tequila!”

Charm

You don't need to be charming if you buy everyone drinks.

Shark Tank

True Love

I farted on the couch just now,
while your head rested on my lap.
You didn't move an inch.

I love you.

Jewelry

I was going to buy a gold chain, but instead I just made myself a nametag at work that said ‘Deuschbag.’ Saved like twenty bucks.

Dogapults

Self-identification

I often wonder to myself whether or not I’m introspective.

Tang

Wolverine copes with recession

The Lonely Giantess

Mr. Johnson

Time Machine

Jeopardy

Scarecrow

Crabs

Self-consciousness

I wouldn't call myself homophobic, but I must admit there are things I used to really like doing, but no longer do because I'm afraid they make people think I'm gay, like eat Popsicles, use the word 'fabulous', and suck on penis.

Family

I hope that if I disappear suddenly my family members don't go searching for answers to where I went on my laptop, because all they will find is porn and Word documents I've written about how much I can't stand them.

Maturity

Maturity is for fart-factories and turd burgers.

Bragging

I hate when people brag about having green thumbs, cause my whole hand is green and you don’t hear me bragging, do you?




*Note – My green hand has since been amputated.

Wishes

If I could have one wish it would be to bring back suspenders, because that’s one of the two things I’ve always wanted to do. No, wait, I changed my mind! It’s too late? Shit.

Plagiarism

If I were a biochemistry professor and had to be around viruses all day, I'd be less concerned with plagiarism and more concerned with plaguearism.

Cars

I wouldn't even drive a Saturn if I was on Saturn.

Games

In a game of eye-poke, the fun only begins when someone pokes their eye out.

Jealousy

I was born without the ability to feel jealousy. Sometimes when I think about how unfair it is that I can't feel jealousy like everyone else it makes me wish I had a normal life like theirs.

Flaccidity

I was so embarrassed when I couldn't get an erection, I bowed my head in shame.

Optimists

All optimists are just one rude awakening from becoming pessimists.

Revival

If I could bring one thing back from the dead it would either be kaleidoscopes or my childhood pet dog, Bandit. Probably Bandit. But maybe kaleidoscopes.

Drinking

“Oh yeah?” I said to the bartender. “If I was too drunk would I be able to do this?” I stood up and pissed my pants. Then the bartender threw me out of the bar before I could do the thing that would prove I was sober.

Atheism

I don't believe in atheists.

Love

Better to have loved and lost than to have knocked her up.

Feelings

It hurt my feelings when Susie yelled and called me an asshole, so I smacked her again.

Fear

If you think the only thing to fear is fear itself, then you haven't heard of mega-AIDS.

Fame

I hope I become either really rich or really famous, because I've been thinking about ditching my friends for cooler people anyway.