Thursday, October 16, 2008

Practice

Practice might not make me perfect, but it does make me last longer.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Monday, October 6, 2008

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Saving Animals

They tell you that if you want to save little fish you should cut the holes in plastic 6-pack rings so that they don't get stuck. I want to save a lot of little fish so I don't cut the rings, I just stretch them out so big fish get caught in them.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Haiku - Dude, We Have to Leave

Dude, we have to leave.

You’re having fun? I don’t care.

I just crapped my pants.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Haiku - Everybody Here

Everybody here
Can see that you are hiding
A boner down there

Internet

Don’t you hate it when you have an awesome idea and then a few weeks later you find out someone else had your idea? I thought up the internet before it existed, and then bam, there it was. Well, I didn’t really invent the internet, but I was getting tired of sneaking into my brother’s room to see porn.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Dreams

If real life was more like my dreams it would be so much more peaceful... that is, after I lead the tattered remains of mankind to a victory against our computer-robot oppressors.

Jesus

Sure, Jesus loved everyone back in his time, but he never met my neighbor Steve Tombasco.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Failure

I tried for days, but I couldn't think of a single time I couldn't accomplish something I set out to do.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Equality

If you women are serious about this whole equality thing, your going to have to give us men control over your vaginas 50% of the time. Or 50% of your vaginas all of the time.

Planet of the Humans

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Confidence

The man in the mirror telling me to believe in myself intimidates me.

Foolhardy

My bad,
I ate your cheeseballs.

You shouldn't have left them out,
knowing that I was high.