Failure

I tried for days, but I couldn't think of a single time I couldn't accomplish something I set out to do.

Equality

If you women are serious about this whole equality thing, your going to have to give us men control over your vaginas 50% of the time. Or 50% of your vaginas all of the time.

Planet of the Humans

Confidence

The man in the mirror telling me to believe in myself intimidates me.

Foolhardy

My bad,
I ate your cheeseballs.

You shouldn't have left them out,
knowing that I was high.

Animals

I can talk to animals, I just can’t understand anything they say back. The same goes for women.

Enemies

I hope my enemies know who they are, because it's more challenging when they know I'm coming for them.

Last Words

I've already decided what my last words are going to be:

Avenge me.

Assumptions

When you assume, you get caught masturbating.

When in France

Haiku - It's Time to Party

It's time to party

Because just the other day

My testicles dropped

Women

I'm not saying that I would want to be a woman, but it would be interesting to see what it was like to cry.

Finish Your Beer

Genie

Haiku - My Belly Protests

My belly protests

As it spews yak up my throat

“No more tequila!”

Charm

You don't need to be charming if you buy everyone drinks.

Shark Tank

True Love

I farted on the couch just now,
while your head rested on my lap.
You didn't move an inch.

I love you.

Jewelry

I was going to buy a gold chain, but instead I just made myself a nametag at work that said ‘Deuschbag.’ Saved like twenty bucks.