Maturity

Maturity is for fart-factories and turd burgers.

Bragging

I hate when people brag about having green thumbs, cause my whole hand is green and you don’t hear me bragging, do you?




*Note – My green hand has since been amputated.

Wishes

If I could have one wish it would be to bring back suspenders, because that’s one of the two things I’ve always wanted to do. No, wait, I changed my mind! It’s too late? Shit.

Plagiarism

If I were a biochemistry professor and had to be around viruses all day, I'd be less concerned with plagiarism and more concerned with plaguearism.

Cars

I wouldn't even drive a Saturn if I was on Saturn.

Games

In a game of eye-poke, the fun only begins when someone pokes their eye out.

Jealousy

I was born without the ability to feel jealousy. Sometimes when I think about how unfair it is that I can't feel jealousy like everyone else it makes me wish I had a normal life like theirs.

Flaccidity

I was so embarrassed when I couldn't get an erection, I bowed my head in shame.

Optimists

All optimists are just one rude awakening from becoming pessimists.

Revival

If I could bring one thing back from the dead it would either be kaleidoscopes or my childhood pet dog, Bandit. Probably Bandit. But maybe kaleidoscopes.

Drinking

“Oh yeah?” I said to the bartender. “If I was too drunk would I be able to do this?” I stood up and pissed my pants. Then the bartender threw me out of the bar before I could do the thing that would prove I was sober.

Atheism

I don't believe in atheists.

Love

Better to have loved and lost than to have knocked her up.

Feelings

It hurt my feelings when Susie yelled and called me an asshole, so I smacked her again.

Fear

If you think the only thing to fear is fear itself, then you haven't heard of mega-AIDS.

Fame

I hope I become either really rich or really famous, because I've been thinking about ditching my friends for cooler people anyway.