Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Saving Animals
They tell you that if you want to save little fish you should cut the holes in plastic 6-pack rings so that they don't get stuck. I want to save a lot of little fish so I don't cut the rings, I just stretch them out so big fish get caught in them.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Haiku - Dude, We Have to Leave
Dude, we have to leave.
You’re having fun? I don’t care.
I just crapped my pants.
You’re having fun? I don’t care.
I just crapped my pants.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Internet
Don’t you hate it when you have an awesome idea and then a few weeks later you find out someone else had your idea? I thought up the internet before it existed, and then bam, there it was. Well, I didn’t really invent the internet, but I was getting tired of sneaking into my brother’s room to see porn.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Failure
I tried for days, but I couldn't think of a single time I couldn't accomplish something I set out to do.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Equality
If you women are serious about this whole equality thing, your going to have to give us men control over your vaginas 50% of the time. Or 50% of your vaginas all of the time.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Animals
I can talk to animals, I just can’t understand anything they say back. The same goes for women.
Enemies
I hope my enemies know who they are, because it's more challenging when they know I'm coming for them.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Women
I'm not saying that I would want to be a woman, but it would be interesting to see what it was like to cry.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
Self-consciousness
I wouldn't call myself homophobic, but I must admit there are things I used to really like doing, but no longer do because I'm afraid they make people think I'm gay, like eat Popsicles, use the word 'fabulous', and suck on penis.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Family
I hope that if I disappear suddenly my family members don't go searching for answers to where I went on my laptop, because all they will find is porn and Word documents I've written about how much I can't stand them.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Bragging
I hate when people brag about having green thumbs, cause my whole hand is green and you don’t hear me bragging, do you?
*Note – My green hand has since been amputated.
*Note – My green hand has since been amputated.
Wishes
If I could have one wish it would be to bring back suspenders, because that’s one of the two things I’ve always wanted to do. No, wait, I changed my mind! It’s too late? Shit.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Plagiarism
If I were a biochemistry professor and had to be around viruses all day, I'd be less concerned with plagiarism and more concerned with plaguearism.
Jealousy
I was born without the ability to feel jealousy. Sometimes when I think about how unfair it is that I can't feel jealousy like everyone else it makes me wish I had a normal life like theirs.
Revival
If I could bring one thing back from the dead it would either be kaleidoscopes or my childhood pet dog, Bandit. Probably Bandit. But maybe kaleidoscopes.
Drinking
“Oh yeah?” I said to the bartender. “If I was too drunk would I be able to do this?” I stood up and pissed my pants. Then the bartender threw me out of the bar before I could do the thing that would prove I was sober.
Fame
I hope I become either really rich or really famous, because I've been thinking about ditching my friends for cooler people anyway.
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