Practice

Practice might not make me perfect, but it does make me last longer.

Toliet Paper

Thousand Words

Mavericks

Saving Animals

They tell you that if you want to save little fish you should cut the holes in plastic 6-pack rings so that they don't get stuck. I want to save a lot of little fish so I don't cut the rings, I just stretch them out so big fish get caught in them.

Haiku - Dude, We Have to Leave

Dude, we have to leave.

You’re having fun? I don’t care.

I just crapped my pants.

Haiku - Everybody Here

Everybody here
Can see that you are hiding
A boner down there

Internet

Don’t you hate it when you have an awesome idea and then a few weeks later you find out someone else had your idea? I thought up the internet before it existed, and then bam, there it was. Well, I didn’t really invent the internet, but I was getting tired of sneaking into my brother’s room to see porn.

Dreams

If real life was more like my dreams it would be so much more peaceful... that is, after I lead the tattered remains of mankind to a victory against our computer-robot oppressors.

Jesus

Sure, Jesus loved everyone back in his time, but he never met my neighbor Steve Tombasco.

Failure

I tried for days, but I couldn't think of a single time I couldn't accomplish something I set out to do.

Equality

If you women are serious about this whole equality thing, your going to have to give us men control over your vaginas 50% of the time. Or 50% of your vaginas all of the time.

Planet of the Humans

Confidence

The man in the mirror telling me to believe in myself intimidates me.

Foolhardy

My bad,
I ate your cheeseballs.

You shouldn't have left them out,
knowing that I was high.

Animals

I can talk to animals, I just can’t understand anything they say back. The same goes for women.

Enemies

I hope my enemies know who they are, because it's more challenging when they know I'm coming for them.

Last Words

I've already decided what my last words are going to be:

Avenge me.

Assumptions

When you assume, you get caught masturbating.

When in France