Shark Tank

True Love

I farted on the couch just now,
while your head rested on my lap.
You didn't move an inch.

I love you.

Jewelry

I was going to buy a gold chain, but instead I just made myself a nametag at work that said ‘Deuschbag.’ Saved like twenty bucks.

Dogapults

Self-identification

I often wonder to myself whether or not I’m introspective.

Tang

Wolverine copes with recession

The Lonely Giantess

Mr. Johnson

Time Machine

Jeopardy

Scarecrow

Crabs

Self-consciousness

I wouldn't call myself homophobic, but I must admit there are things I used to really like doing, but no longer do because I'm afraid they make people think I'm gay, like eat Popsicles, use the word 'fabulous', and suck on penis.

Family

I hope that if I disappear suddenly my family members don't go searching for answers to where I went on my laptop, because all they will find is porn and Word documents I've written about how much I can't stand them.