Jeopardy

Scarecrow

Crabs

Self-consciousness

I wouldn't call myself homophobic, but I must admit there are things I used to really like doing, but no longer do because I'm afraid they make people think I'm gay, like eat Popsicles, use the word 'fabulous', and suck on penis.

Family

I hope that if I disappear suddenly my family members don't go searching for answers to where I went on my laptop, because all they will find is porn and Word documents I've written about how much I can't stand them.

Maturity

Maturity is for fart-factories and turd burgers.

Bragging

I hate when people brag about having green thumbs, cause my whole hand is green and you don’t hear me bragging, do you?




*Note – My green hand has since been amputated.

Wishes

If I could have one wish it would be to bring back suspenders, because that’s one of the two things I’ve always wanted to do. No, wait, I changed my mind! It’s too late? Shit.

Plagiarism

If I were a biochemistry professor and had to be around viruses all day, I'd be less concerned with plagiarism and more concerned with plaguearism.

Cars

I wouldn't even drive a Saturn if I was on Saturn.

Games

In a game of eye-poke, the fun only begins when someone pokes their eye out.

Jealousy

I was born without the ability to feel jealousy. Sometimes when I think about how unfair it is that I can't feel jealousy like everyone else it makes me wish I had a normal life like theirs.

Flaccidity

I was so embarrassed when I couldn't get an erection, I bowed my head in shame.

Optimists

All optimists are just one rude awakening from becoming pessimists.

Revival

If I could bring one thing back from the dead it would either be kaleidoscopes or my childhood pet dog, Bandit. Probably Bandit. But maybe kaleidoscopes.